It's so hard to get a good pair of suspenders these days, man.
Today I was, like, goin' to the store to get a pair, y'know? And I'm like lookin' around and junk and they're like splitsville. So I'm like, that's whack. So I went over to the dude at the desk and I'm like, "hey, man, got any suspenders?"
And he's like just standin' there like a freak and I'm like, what's up?
And then he goes, "Um
you're a giant spider."
And I'm like, "duh".
And he's like, "GET AWAY, YOU MUTANT FREAK!"
And I'm like, "Who's a mutant freak?"
And he's like, "You are."
And I'm like, "So's your old man."
And he's like, "Shut up."
And I'm like, "You shut up."
And he goes, "Get out of here, you big, ugly tarantula."
And I'm thinkin', that's rude, but I just go, "I'm not a
tarantula, I'm just a spider, man."
And this kid walks up and he's like, "You're Spiderman?"
And I go, "No, I'm a spider."
And he's like, "Where's your costume?"
And I'm like, "Bug out, kid."
And then the loser at the desk starts complaining like, "Dude, we don't allow arachnids with bodies composed of two unsegmented divisions known as a cephalothorax and an abdomen in this facility."
And I'm like, "Tough."
And he's like, "Leave."
And I'm like, "No!"
And he's like, "Yes!"
And I go, "Is this because you're just jealous?"
And he laughs and says, "As if."
And I go, "Well, you, like, should be. You only have two legs? Puh! I have like six. And two eyes? Ha! I have eight!"
And he goes, "At least we have fully-developed brains."
And I'm like, "That's hitting below the belt, man."
And he's really rude now, and he goes, "At least I can WEAR a
belt. Why do you want suspenders, anyway? You're a spider, you couldn't wear suspenders!"
Then I lean up close to him and I'm like, "None of your beeswax, dude!"
And the little kid taps me on the shoulder and says, "Your old costume was sort of stupid. Spiders aren't blue and red. Is that why you got this new one?"
And I'm like, "Get away, you little twerp."
And the guy at the desk goes, "That's it I'm callin' pest control!"
And I'm like, "No you don't!"
And he's like, "Deal with it!"
And I'm like, "I think I'll deal with you right now."
And he's like, "Bringitt!"
And I'm like, "I will."
And he's like, "Then do."
And I'm like, "Okay."
And the kid goes, "Why are you buying suspenders? Can't you sew?"
"Dude," I said. "I'm a spider. I spin webs, I don't sew."
"Yeah, you do." The kid says and he's like, "I saw the movie,
and when you got bitten by the radioactive spider and gained ultra-superpowers, you designed a costume for yourself, and the in the next scene you had it. See? You can sew! You just have to believe in yourself!"
"Get off my back, kid!" I told him.
"Don't you mean 'cephalothorax'?" The guy at the desk asked.
"Shut up!" I yelled.
Then this freak with a green mask and some glider thing zooms up and he goes, "Good evening. Pest control." and he sees me and he's like, "Spiderman
we meet again, FOR THE LAST TIME!"
And I'm like "NOOO!!" and he starts shooting at me and there's
chaos everywhere and there's all this destruction and everything's on fire and there's blood and gore and pain and misery.
Man, you just can't get a good pair of suspenders these days.